Nodus Tollens: Musings on My Trip Back to Guam
“…Home is where you find yourself
at peace.”
-Solace (original song)
At the start of May, I had the opportunity to go back to Guam with my family, unfortunately due to my grandfather’s passing (love you forever, Doc ❤). It’s been three years since I’ve been back on island, and the added emotions of having to say goodbye to someone who has forever impacted my life left me feeling uncertain as to how the trip was going to go.
From the moment we stepped out of A.B. Wonpat airport, the humid air embraced us and the night sky and sea stretched out into the familiar black expanse that, as a child, I would imagine would swallow the island whole.
My family and I stayed at my grandfather’s house; aside from a few things that were missing due to them being packed and shipped to Vegas, it remained largely unchanged. The same blue Spanish tile in the foyer; the same leatherbound books with gold trim in the library in the basement; the same beautiful view overlooking Hagatna Bay:
During the days leading up to and preparing for the funeral, my sisters, cousin, and I took it all in: the old and the new.
Kmart is still around, but they opened Village of Donki, with its incessant jingle playing non-stop (“Don, Don, Don, Do-onki”).
Agana Shopping Center’s Payless is now Ross but the one in Maite is amazing.
The Yogurtland in Hagatna that my grandpa would take me and my sisters is gone, and the McDonalds down the hill from my papa’s house is still out of ice cream, 15 years later.
The family beach house in Malesso is mostly empty nowadays.
Tumon is still Tumon, save for Outrigger now being a part of the Dusit Thani.
My high school friends are mostly all there working and my childhood best friend owns a beauty spa facing the ocean.
The musicians my dad would jam with all remembered me and had me come up and perform a few songs; they all said they were proud of me.
Being away from everything for so long, I forgot how much I’ve missed it all.
Nodus tollens
n. the realization that the plot of your life doesn’t make sense to you anymore—that although you thought you were following the arc of the story, you keep finding yourself immersed in passages you don’t understand, that don’t even seem to belong in the same genre—which requires you to go back and reread the chapters you had originally skimmed to get to the good parts, only to learn that all along you were supposed to choose your own adventure.
In the past, whenever I would go to and from Guam, I would always return to California feeling a sense of relief, or thinking “I’m home.” It was always a confidence that I was right where I needed to be, that this was the path that my life was going to pursue, and that I would do it with 100%. But stepping off the plane and walking out of LAX this time, I didn’t feel that confidence. I instead felt a strange sense of sneaking dread, of un-belonging, of questioning if I had made the right choice in coming back to California.
I don’t have all the answers, and I’m sure as time moves, things will come up and change. But I wonder if anyone else has had this experience of coming back from a trip only to feel like they don’t know that to do with themselves. I feel like I’m not sure what to do about these feelings or what may come next. I wonder if I’ll figure that out anytime soon…
